It’s hard for me recognize myself these days. On good days, I smile the brightest smile and make sure I live my life with the most main character energy I can source. But on most days, I feel like a fraud. A fraud who is living her life based on “I need to look happy so as to not stress others out.”
The Imposter Syndrome. I feel like I’ve been living with this syndrome since COVID hit us all. Life during my undergrad was way too sorted, or so it seems to me now. Sure, I had my low days back then, but the good overcame everything else. These days, it seems just the opposite. The bad is trying to overcome the good.
I’ve never been more scared of anything my entire life. At this moment, as I’m typing this out, I’m scared of failing to secure a good career path for myself, I’m scared of letting down everyone who have their hopes pinned on me, I’m scared of attachments and the fear of people leaving, and I’m scared that I’m never going to be the same girl who used to charm everyone with just her smile. I’m scared of everything. Crowds, Silences, Darkness, Light, Everything. Hell, I’m scared of writing this post, because I don’t want people to look down on me as some poor soul.
I’m not going to publicize this post, because I don’t want the unnecessary attention of people. But this post is going to be public, because this is what my blog is about. Me sharing the life of a simple ordinary girl who is still trying to figure out life one day at a time.
Trust me, if you are reading this, I’m strong. I’m still fighting. and I’m going to keep fighting, because that’s what is taught to me. To fight. To be great at whatever I decide to do. And I know at the end of the day, I will be. This is a phase, and this too shall pass.
I recently quoted to my best friend, that I need stability in my life now. As someone who has always tried to keep her life as dynamic as possible, I crave stability now. I need something that I can call mine. Here’s hoping that comes my way soon.
Thank you for reading my rant, and if you want, let’s get in touch and talk about the randomest of things, coz why not?
My socials are added here, like you know!
Take care! :’)